Merry *@$%^ Christmas

Occasionally I have one of those mornings, or periods of time, where the whole situation seems hilarious to me, and I just break forth into “blog” or “poem” or both in this instance.

I originally wrote this poem just for the amusement of my husband and me since we’re probably the only ones that would understand it or think it’s funny.  But as he read it and I re-read it we just felt like it needs to be shared.

Why?  Well, because it speaks so (non) eloquently of the human nature.  We’ve all been in these situations before – we may not actually confess to saying a bad word, getting frustrated or whatever, but let’s face it – REALITY is hilarious! We have all had those crazy mornings or days where everyday life just happens. At the time it doesn’t seem so funny but, when we look back on it we see that we wouldn’t have been able to make this stuff up – even if we tried! And when it takes place in the midst of the holly jolly holidays – it’s just even funnier!

Let me give you some background about our evening/morning that inspired the following poem so that you will understand it….

·         First of all, there must be a dead mouse in the crawl space…or so says our noses (enough said).

·         Secondly, Jr. High homework may be the death of all of us – especially this African project our daughter has been doing for days for Social Studies.

·          Thirdly, Boy #1 is home for the holidays and making himself at home and making us laugh with his funny noises and voices and annoying his little sister.

·          Fourthly, Joel is very frustrated by a certain situation going on in the news right now. So, much so that this morning a potty word slipped out when he saw a report on it as he was leaving for work.  It’s okay to admit it – we’ve all had those little slip ups now and then. Okay, well except for my mother in law.  She once said “Shoot” in front of the children and apologized profusely.  So, if you’re as saintly as my mother in law, well then, God love ya! 

·         Fifthly – daughter heard said potty word and marveled that it came from Father’s lips.  Like any good Christian wife I texted my husband to let him know how he had wronged the child.  He apologized to her over the phone.  She didn’t really seem to care – she was just annoyed that he was taking time away from the African Social studies project that she NEVER…DID…COMPLETE!

·         Sixthly – I spent the morning correcting dad, keeping girl on task, trying to get out of the door in time to get her to school and then to work on time – hoping, hoping I won’t be late!! Only to realize when I finally make it to work that I don’t have my purse!

As I was rushing to get to the office, Christmas carols played in the background and I chuckled to myself when I heard the singer crooning about “Peace on Earth”!   I was thinking… “Hey…If you find, this, “Peace on Earth”, tell it to look us up – not much peace happening over at the Mishler’s this morning”!  And like I typically do after the storm hits – I laugh!!  And so this little poem was written to commemorate this Chaotic morning in the midst of the “The most wonderful time of the year”!

Merry *#$@%^ Christmas

Twas 9 days before Christmas and all through the house

Arose the stench of a stinky dead mouse

And, I in my black jammies, went to bed

While the girl crammed African homework facts into her head

Homework was still scattered when morning dawned

I prepared eggs while Daddy sat and yawned

Then suddenly on TV there arose something absurd

Causing daddy to drop a very naughty word

Then emerged the girl with eyes full of wonder

Homework yet to do and now a new word to ponder

Then on the phone, to the girl, the dad did apologize

While she still rubbed the sleep from her eyes

She labored over homework, with toast on a plate

And I am afraid, to work, I’ll be late

While over in the kitchen stood a half-naked son

Oh when or when will this homework get done!

As the son made breakfast filling the house with smoke

He had time to squeak, squeal and crack a few jokes

With homework unfinished and a half combed fro

Out in the frigid morning we finally go

I zoom to the school with no time to lag

When the girls says “Oh No, I forgot my cheer leading bag”

Half naked son gets a call from me

Taking her bag to school he nicely agrees

Pulling into work, I realize – I’ve forgotten my purse

Oh Good Grief now it’s my turn to curse!

Home again and then back to work alright

Merry *@$%^ Christmas to all and to all a good *@&%^ night!

This is proof that we're not always grumpy - Merry Christmas Everyone!

Father's Day Faux Pas

Back home when someone did something kind of crazy or absent minded we never wanted to speak ill of them so we would just say “Bless her heart” or “Bless Joe” (or insert the name of your own poor sap here).  That was our way of recognizing that poor old sap who had screwed up one more time without actually having to say something bad about them.  Just those gentle southern ways!   Well, I had one of those “Bless Kim” kind of moments!

At first these “Bless Kim” moments are quite disturbing to me and it only takes moments after I realize my errors that I begin to start plotting my future…such as… what “facility” I will spend my final days in? And also, wondering if I’ll be that lady pushing the grocery cart down the street with the bra on the outside of her clothing!  I spend a considerable amount of time there, wondering about my mental capacities, and then, well, I just can’t help but come back to the hilarity of it all – which typically results in a blog!  A girls got to deal with this insanity somehow!

So here’s my most recent “Bless Kim” moment – prepare to say “Bless Kim” unless you already have!

Several weeks ago someone called me at the church office wanting to book the church cabin for a grad party.  She booked it for the 8^th but then cancelled it because she didn’t want to do it on Father’s Day!  Well, I certainly didn’t catch onto this but my poor fragile mind locked in on June 8 as Father’s Day and there it stayed.

I was bummed that Sparky had games all father’s day weekend so I even said to him that maybe we’d wait until Monday or something to have Father’s day dinner.  I went to many pain staking lengths to put just the right clip art and Father’s Day stories in the Church Newsletter (Go ahead and say your first “Bless Kim” right here).  I was quite proud of the clip art I had chosen for the front page of the Shoreline newsletter but it didn’t actually say Father’s Day so I decided to find more and more and more.  I really did it up nicely!  Dad’s from all over Shore Church should feel inspired and encouraged by my many newsletter quips and quotes!

Then it was on to the Pre-service slide show.  I carefully selected an opening slide that had to do with the Father’s day theme and put it as the first slide – I even carried the theme throughout the show in other places and even changed a slide to one of the songs we sang to one with a father and daughter!  Wow – I was going to town on this Father’s Day business in the church office on Friday! 

Saturday had lots of twists and turns in it that I wasn’t planning and so the day kind of got away from me but I did take the time to sit down and plan out a special surprise for My Sparky!  After all, he is the world’s greatest dad and worthy to be honored!  Once done, I decided that after church on Sunday Hannah and I would venture out to Walmart and pick up some things for his favorite Strawberry shortcake and have that for him when he got back in town late Sunday.

On Sunday morning I sent Sparky a heartfelt text message telling him what a great guy he Is and yadda, yadda, yadda…really laid the butter on thick!  I then texted his kids and told them all to make sure they honored dad on this very special of days.  When Hannah arose I made sure she used my phone to send dad a special message!  Gee we were certainly getting Sparky’s day off to a fine start.

We got to church a little late and I wondered why they weren’t running the pre service slide show.  But figured there was a glitch or something and didn’t think much of it.  I was busy visiting and talking to people after church so I didn’t have the opportunity to wish everyone a Happy Father’s Day – thank God for tying my tongue there! 

Hannah and I skipped Sunday School and headed out – I wanted to have everything in place for tonight and there was a busy day ahead.  On the way to Walmart I get a text from Nic informing me that Father’s Day is next weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT???? You’ve got to be kidding me!  I about drove off the road! I was beside myself.  Then, of course, once inside, all the Posters and advertising Proclaiming Father's Day June 15 taunted me and taunted me as they hung from the Walmart rafters! Hannah of course, had to point out each one of them, twisting the knife a little deeper in my wound! I texted the PowerPoint Guy and asked why he didn’t show the PowerPoint this morning, asking if it was because It said Happy Father’s day on it.  I could just imagine in my mind all the leadership team sitting around and scratching their heads and saying “Bless Kim” and then holding hands and praying for their poor absent minded church secretary!   He replied and said that he was busy making changes to the song slides and didn’t have time to show it!  I think that was definitely Devine intervention from the Grandest Father of them all to eliminate any more embarrassment for this poor lady!  I’m guessing at this point God was saying “Bless Kim” and intervened on my behalf!!  Thank you Father!  So glad he’s got my back.

This whole situation left my boys laughing like crazy, my poor husband bewildered and my daughter wondering why in the heck we come down so hard on her when she screws up! 

Pastor Carl talked about “flawed” humans today and challenged us not to live in our “flaws”.  I don’t know if  this was the kind of “flaws” he was talking about but “flawed” I feel nonetheless! 

Soooo, I really have nothing else to say but ….. “Bless Kim”….”Bless Father’s everywhere no matter what day you celebrate them” and well “Bless those that are sound in mind”!  It’s really a gift!

Happy Father’s day to all – now go find a reason to have some shortcake!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Day Walmart sucked the "classy" right out of me!

As I continue on my approach to the “vintage” years everyday occurrences can be, oh so disturbing, and yet so hilarious – well, to me anyway!  My family didn’t find the humor in this story I’m about to tell you!  But I’m guessing some of my 40 something friends (or 50 something) (or anyone out there!!!) might find the humor in this! 

I had quite the adventure at Walmart yesterday in my quest to buy some Visa gift cards.

Here’s what went down. 

I had four gift cards to buy for graduates who live out of town.  My boys loved those Visa gift cards because they can be used anywhere.  I didn’t really want Walmart cards because…..well….some folks think Walmart cards are a bit tacky!  Unlike us country folk who think a free trip to Wally World is one of life’s greatest thrills! I’m not saying these folks wouldn’t appreciate the Walmart cards – but I just wanted to be a bit more classy – And nothing says classy more than a Visa gift card in a shiny little package!  

 

Anyhoo – so off I go on a beautiful day.  The minute I hit the Michigan line (were the Wally World is located) I drove into a storm!  All the other Rednecks in the parking lot just braved the rain – but I took my Red Warriors Umbrella… because…well…I’m just classy like that!

I frolicked up and down the aisles having a grand ol’ time as the thunder boomed outside.  No greater place to be in a storm than in the loving embrace of Sam Walton I always say!

At this point I had frolicked and ventured upon aisles that were not on my list and picked up a few little extras here and there. I mean, after all, I had brought Joel’s checkbook, so I might as well live large right?

 

I made my way to the gift card counter and snatched up the four Visa gift cards.  I took a moment to pause and envision the 4 “grads-to-be” opening their envelope, clutching the card to their chest and singing my praises for such a thoughtful, practical, albeit “classy” gift! 

I placed my items, in order by category of course, on the conveyor belt with the gift cards leading the way.  I’m going to refer to the checkout gal as Angie (to protect the innocent).  Now, Angie had a great Work Ethic – said no one ever at the Sturgis Walmart! My presumption about Angie’s poor work ethic is based on her facial frustration, the use of profanity and the eye rolls she made at the register when it didn’t perform to her satisfaction.  However, having said this, I do think that Angie was a religious girl because she praised God loudly for the fact that it was almost lunch time. It was evident that work wasn’t Angie’s top priority, but, hey a girl’s gotta do what she has to do to support her facial piercing habit I’m sure.

 

The Visa gift cards really threw poor Angie off and so she called for the manager to help her.. like this…”HEY MATT come over here”!  So Matt, who was very Labrador Retrieverish in his actions, came bounding over at her beck and call.  He showed and talked her through the correct buttons to push on her machine of frustration and she shooed him away (literally she actually shooed him away saying – I GOT THIS YOU CAN GO NOW and Matt just kept acting hyper and talking, talking, talking).  One card rung up and on to the next!  But once again, not working!  Of course, by this time, a long row of onlookers have lined up behind me.  So, she beckons good Ol’ Matt again – “Matt Get over here again!”  So, good ol’ Matt comes bounding over as if she had thrown a tennis ball up and asked him to catch it.  This time his co-hort – “manager who remains nameless” tagged along.  “Nameless” had more of “cat” type personality – much more gentle and cunning in her movements and approach than her retriever friend Matt, but like a cat she made you wonder what was on her mind due to her lack of facial expression.  As Matt begins to hyperly push buttons and scratch his head with his hind leg  (ha not really, but you did laugh right?J) at the fact that the second card won’t ring up Nameless reminds them both of the “Visa” rule in which only one card per transaction can be rung up at a time!  WHAT???  “So, you’re saying I have to write 4 different checks for 4 different cards?????”  To which Angie replies “Well you don’t have to write out the checks I can just run them through the scanner”!  Wow – really Angie?  So, now I’ve turned into somewhat of a bulldog myself and am barking out how I feel about this “policy”.  I tell her to ring up the one and then ring up the rest of my stuff and forget about the others.  So, she does and tries to run my check through the scanner.  But it won’t work!!  Imagine that? 

“Matt come over here again!” Angie yells across two aisles.  Once there Matt remembers the other “Visa” rule.  No checks or credit cards can be used on these.  You can only use cash or debit cards for these Visa gift cards!  Seriously!?  What a stinkin’ hassle!  Does Visa want my business or not???  Visa just lost my classy vote big time! At this point I’ve unleased my Kujo and say “Forget it – just ring up my stuff and forget the cards”.  Angie reminds me that if I buy Walmart cards I can pay for them all at once and in any method.  Yes, Angie – but this destroys the classy factor that I am after here – I wanted to say.

So, I pay for my purchases, pick up my two bags, put them in the cart and head out.  On my way toward the door I decide I’ll just drive down to Walgreens and buy some kind of Gift Cards there and not put myself through this humiliation again at Wally World.  I get to the door and there is a torrential downpour! I’m thinking even the classy Red Warriors umbrella won’t save me now! Feeling pretty defeated, It was at this point that I decided to throw the classy factor completely out the door, swallow my pride, go back to the checkout, pick up four Walmart Cards, a candy bar and a diet coke for my troubles, and call it a day!

So, that is what I do.  Only two lanes are open of course…the express lane and Angie’s.  I went to Angie’s at first. I’m not sure why I went to Angie’s lane except that I felt some kind of odd obligation to her at this point – after all we have a history together now.  But the lady in front had a lot of stuff in her cart so I went over to the express lane. 

After making faces with the cute little girl in the cart ahead of me for what seemed an unusually long time I realized that her mama was having issues with a card she was trying to use which merited the checkout gal to call “MATT” over for this.  Her mama also wasn’t wearing a bra and had only one tooth – but who’s noticing?

So, I begrudgingly made my way back over to Angie’s line just in time to hear her and the customer’s lively conversation about dog spaying and neutering and the rising cost thereof!  It was at this point that Manager Nameless, who was pretty wet, came over to Angie with a couple of bags in her hand. She pointed toward me and said, “Isn’t that the lady right there?”  Angie replied, “Yeah, that’s her… looks like she’s back to buy more gift cards”.  Nameless walks over to me, and hands me two bags and says, “I’ve been looking for you all over the parking lot – you forgot your purchases!!!!”  WHAT??????  All of this and then I go and forget two of my bags! 

Good grief! I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or cry at the irony of it all so I just stood there dumbfounded – mumbled my thanks to Nameless who I’m sure didn’t like walking around in a torrential downpour looking for a disgruntled customer.  After all, have you ever given a cat a bath? They don’t like water – just for the record.

So, I tell you this story to say that I’m not sure if my path back to Angie to find my purchases that I didn’t know I had lost was coincidence or Divine Intervention!  I choose to think that it was the latter of the two – for I know God has extra angels hovering close by post-menopausal women and after this trip I am convinced that....

God…..

     has….

          a…

              great….

                       sense…

                                   of…

                                         humor!!!

I  was also reminded of the important adage that when I point a finger at someone else there is always 3 more pointing back at me.  Oh yes, and also that the gift of a Walmart Card is classy afterall.....so says me!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snow Days - A poem written out of sheer boredom!

SnOw DaYs!

Now on Day Five of being snowed in!  Don't have much else to do...so through the inspiration of all the Facebook posts and comments people have made in regards to  being cooped up with their kids for this long...(and from my  own personal experience) I wrote a poem to commemorate these crazy snow days!!


Here goes...

Snow Day

Hooray

Sleeping, baking, eating

Cleaning, playing, reading

Snow Day

Hooray

Snow Day #2

Woo Hoo!

Creating, movie watching, PJ wearing

Relaxing, snuggling, popcorn sharing

Snow Day #2

Woo Hoo!

Snow Day #3

You've got to be kidding me!

Annoying, boring, more card playing

snacking, t.v. watching, tired of laying

Snow Day #3

You've got to be kidding me!

Snow Day #4

Can't take it any more

Squabbling, picking, nerve wracking

binge eating, twitching, feeling like packing

Snow Day #4

Can't take it any more

Snow Day #5

Lucky to be alive

Shoveling, plowing, gotta keep trying

Bundling, driving, death defying

Snow Day #5

Lucky to be alive

The end - that's it!  Those first couple of days are great...but they start to get long and we get ready for routine!  Glad for the relaxation but on with life! I did not put Snow Day #6 -
cause I'm hopeful there isn't one!   
                        Hoping...Dreaming...Working...Learning!  
I hope this little poem gave you a smile on this cold day! Stay Warm everyone! 

See Me...a poem given to me by my mother in law about Alzheimers.

I remember the day well.  I remember the day that my dear mother-in-law called me after her weekly visit to the Nursing Home.  She was so faithful to go and visit those in the nursing home.  She told me once that when she started to feel sorry for herself – she would get in her car and go visit!  Sharing her time with others was a blessing to her and to those she visited.  Her heart of service is like no other I know.

On this particular day she was crying.  She had visited a woman who was very alone, never married, in her last days of Alzheimers.  Seeing her old friend this way was more than she could bear.  I remember her saying to me that it was her prayer that she would never be that way, but she feared that she would be.  Even then, she had a little glimpse into her future.  She had great compassion for those who were living in Nursing homes, no longer able to care for themselves, especially those with Dementia – who had no voice.

A few days later she came into the office with a poem she had found that had been written by a woman who died in a geriatric ward of a hospital in England.  This poem was found in the woman’s possessions and was written in her last days.  Esther was so taken with the poem and it’s message, she asked me to print it in our church newsletter. 

I came across it today – I share it with you as tears roll down my cheeks and onto my keyboard. 

What do you see, nurse, what do you see?

Are you thinking when you look at me-

A crabbed old woman, not very wise,

Uncertain of habit with far away eyes,

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply

When you say in a loud voice – “I do wish you’d try.”

Who seems not to notice the things that you do

And forever is losing a stocking or shoe,

Who resisting or not, lets you do as you will

With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill.

Is that what you’re thinking, is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse, You’re not looking at ME.

I’ll tell you who I am as I sit here so still.

As I move at your bidding, eat at your will,

I’m a small child of ten with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters who love one another;

A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet,

Dreaming that soon a love she’ll meet;

A bride at twenty, my heart gives a leap,

Remembering the vows that I promised to keep;

At twenty-five now I have young of my own

Who need me to build a secure, happy home.

A woman of thirty, my young now grow fast,

Bound together with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown up and gone,

But my man’s beside me to see I don’t mourn.

At fifty once more babies play round my knee –

Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead.

I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,

And I think of the years and the love that I’ve known.

I’m an old woman now and nature is cruel.

‘Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool

The body it crumbles, grace and vigor depart.

There is a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,

And again my bittered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain

And I’m loving and living life over again.

I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast.

And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, nurse, open and see

Not a crabbed old woman,

Look closer –See ME!