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Thursday, May 15, 2014

The Day Walmart sucked the "classy" right out of me!

As I continue on my approach to the “vintage” years everyday occurrences can be, oh so disturbing, and yet so hilarious – well, to me anyway!  My family didn’t find the humor in this story I’m about to tell you!  But I’m guessing some of my 40 something friends (or 50 something) (or anyone out there!!!) might find the humor in this! 

I had quite the adventure at Walmart yesterday in my quest to buy some Visa gift cards.

Here’s what went down. 

I had four gift cards to buy for graduates who live out of town.  My boys loved those Visa gift cards because they can be used anywhere.  I didn’t really want Walmart cards because…..well….some folks think Walmart cards are a bit tacky!  Unlike us country folk who think a free trip to Wally World is one of life’s greatest thrills! I’m not saying these folks wouldn’t appreciate the Walmart cards – but I just wanted to be a bit more classy – And nothing says classy more than a Visa gift card in a shiny little package!  

Anyhoo – so off I go on a beautiful day.  The minute I hit the Michigan line (were the Wally World is located) I drove into a storm!  All the other Rednecks in the parking lot just braved the rain – but I took my Red Warriors Umbrella… because…well…I’m just classy like that!

I frolicked up and down the aisles having a grand ol’ time as the thunder boomed outside.  No greater place to be in a storm than in the loving embrace of Sam Walton I always say!

At this point I had frolicked and ventured upon aisles that were not on my list and picked up a few little extras here and there. I mean, after all, I had brought Joel’s checkbook, so I might as well live large right?


I made my way to the gift card counter and snatched up the four Visa gift cards.  I took a moment to pause and envision the 4 “grads-to-be” opening their envelope, clutching the card to their chest and singing my praises for such a thoughtful, practical, albeit “classy” gift! 

I placed my items, in order by category of course, on the conveyor belt with the gift cards leading the way.  I’m going to refer to the checkout gal as Angie (to protect the innocent).  Now, Angie had a great Work Ethic – said no one ever at the Sturgis Walmart! My presumption about Angie’s poor work ethic is based on her facial frustration, the use of profanity and the eye rolls she made at the register when it didn’t perform to her satisfaction.  However, having said this, I do think that Angie was a religious girl because she praised God loudly for the fact that it was almost lunch time. It was evident that work wasn’t Angie’s top priority, but, hey a girl’s gotta do what she has to do to support her facial piercing habit I’m sure.
The Visa gift cards really threw poor Angie off and so she called for the manager to help her.. like this…”HEY MATT come over here”!  So Matt, who was very Labrador Retrieverish in his actions, came bounding over at her beck and call.  He showed and talked her through the correct buttons to push on her machine of frustration and she shooed him away (literally she actually shooed him away saying – I GOT THIS YOU CAN GO NOW and Matt just kept acting hyper and talking, talking, talking).  One card rung up and on to the next!  But once again, not working!  Of course, by this time, a long row of onlookers have lined up behind me.  So, she beckons good Ol’ Matt again – “Matt Get over here again!”  So, good ol’ Matt comes bounding over as if she had thrown a tennis ball up and asked him to catch it.  This time his co-hort – “manager who remains nameless” tagged along.  “Nameless” had more of “cat” type personality – much more gentle and cunning in her movements and approach than her retriever friend Matt, but like a cat she made you wonder what was on her mind due to her lack of facial expression.  As Matt begins to hyperly push buttons and scratch his head with his hind leg  (ha not really, but you did laugh right?J) at the fact that the second card won’t ring up Nameless reminds them both of the “Visa” rule in which only one card per transaction can be rung up at a time!  WHAT???  “So, you’re saying I have to write 4 different checks for 4 different cards?????”  To which Angie replies “Well you don’t have to write out the checks I can just run them through the scanner”!  Wow – really Angie?  So, now I’ve turned into somewhat of a bulldog myself and am barking out how I feel about this “policy”.  I tell her to ring up the one and then ring up the rest of my stuff and forget about the others.  So, she does and tries to run my check through the scanner.  But it won’t work!!  Imagine that? 

“Matt come over here again!” Angie yells across two aisles.  Once there Matt remembers the other “Visa” rule.  No checks or credit cards can be used on these.  You can only use cash or debit cards for these Visa gift cards!  Seriously!?  What a stinkin’ hassle!  Does Visa want my business or not???  Visa just lost my classy vote big time! At this point I’ve unleased my Kujo and say “Forget it – just ring up my stuff and forget the cards”.  Angie reminds me that if I buy Walmart cards I can pay for them all at once and in any method.  Yes, Angie – but this destroys the classy factor that I am after here – I wanted to say.

So, I pay for my purchases, pick up my two bags, put them in the cart and head out.  On my way toward the door I decide I’ll just drive down to Walgreens and buy some kind of Gift Cards there and not put myself through this humiliation again at Wally World.  I get to the door and there is a torrential downpour! I’m thinking even the classy Red Warriors umbrella won’t save me now! Feeling pretty defeated, It was at this point that I decided to throw the classy factor completely out the door, swallow my pride, go back to the checkout, pick up four Walmart Cards, a candy bar and a diet coke for my troubles, and call it a day!

So, that is what I do.  Only two lanes are open of course…the express lane and Angie’s.  I went to Angie’s at first. I’m not sure why I went to Angie’s lane except that I felt some kind of odd obligation to her at this point – after all we have a history together now.  But the lady in front had a lot of stuff in her cart so I went over to the express lane. 

After making faces with the cute little girl in the cart ahead of me for what seemed an unusually long time I realized that her mama was having issues with a card she was trying to use which merited the checkout gal to call “MATT” over for this.  Her mama also wasn’t wearing a bra and had only one tooth – but who’s noticing?

So, I begrudgingly made my way back over to Angie’s line just in time to hear her and the customer’s lively conversation about dog spaying and neutering and the rising cost thereof!  It was at this point that Manager Nameless, who was pretty wet, came over to Angie with a couple of bags in her hand. She pointed toward me and said, “Isn’t that the lady right there?”  Angie replied, “Yeah, that’s her… looks like she’s back to buy more gift cards”.  Nameless walks over to me, and hands me two bags and says, “I’ve been looking for you all over the parking lot – you forgot your purchases!!!!”  WHAT??????  All of this and then I go and forget two of my bags! 

Good grief! I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or cry at the irony of it all so I just stood there dumbfounded – mumbled my thanks to Nameless who I’m sure didn’t like walking around in a torrential downpour looking for a disgruntled customer.  After all, have you ever given a cat a bath? They don’t like water – just for the record.

So, I tell you this story to say that I’m not sure if my path back to Angie to find my purchases that I didn’t know I had lost was coincidence or Divine Intervention!  I choose to think that it was the latter of the two – for I know God has extra angels hovering close by post-menopausal women and after this trip I am convinced that....
I  was also reminded of the important adage that when I point a finger at someone else there is always 3 more pointing back at me.  Oh yes, and also that the gift of a Walmart Card is classy says me!!!